Talking with my 12-16 Year-Old

Normal Development:

 Physical Changes:

Girls will:

• grow taller and reach their adult height
• develop breasts, underarm hair and pubic hair
• will start her period if she has not already

Boys will:

• grow taller until he is in his 20’s
• grow thicker underarm hair
• grow chest and back hair
• grow larger testicles and penis

 Action: Talk to your child about their physical changes. Ask them about their self esteem and how they feel about their appearance. Compliment them on their changes and becoming grown up. Engage them in conversations about hygiene and how to keep clean and tend to acne.

Social Changes:

 Your child will:

• want to be more independent
• start making plans for the future
• become aware of peer and media pressure to have sex and to dress, talk, and act in the “popular” way
• may want to start group and individual dating
• will use friends and family as role models for how to express love and anger

 Action: Talk to your child about their friendships, new and old. Talk to them about dating and relationships. Place boundaries and limits on dating. Tell them what your rules and expectations are. Educate them on components of healthy relationships. Encourage them to share if they feel that they might be in an unhealthy relationship. Talk to them about their outward appearance, clothing, style and how they present themselves to others. Encourage your child to be themselves and not strive hard to “fit in” with a crowd or look that may not be cool.

Risky Behaviors:

Internet Danger:

• 9 out of 10 teens use the internet daily
• 1 out of 4 have Facebook and MySpace pages
  • These sites allow them to post information about their personal life fro all people to see
  • Displaying “sexy” pictures puts teens at high risk of attracting attention from adults posing as teens

 Action: Talk to your teen and warn them that not everyone on the internet is really who they say they are. Encourage them to tell you if someone that they don’t know tries to “friend” them on one of their sites.  Talk to your teen about internet safety and how everyone can see what they post on their social media site. Talk with them about cyber bullying and how to avoid it. Encourage them to tell you if someone they know is being cyber bullied. Talk to your child about sexting, what it is and what it means. Let them know of the Illinois laws surrounding cyber bullying & sexting. Make agreements with your child to have their username and password so that you can supervise their use of social media sites. Check privacy settings and talk to your child about setting needed privacy settings to ensure that only “friends” can see their posts.

 Sex:

• Nearly 6 out of 10 high school students have had sex
• Only about 7 out of 10 used a condom last time they had sex
• Teens tend to have an “it won’t happen to me” attitude
• There is a risk of becoming pregnant or contracting sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, Chlamydia, gonorrhea or genial warts every time they have unprotected sex
• Teens that don’t use birth control have a one in nine chance of becoming pregnant
• Teens that become pregnant are: less likely to finish high school, more likely to have a second pregnancy as a teenager
• 7 out of 10 teen mothers are unemployed as adults
• Daughters of teen mothers have a 4 out of 5 chance of being a teen mom
• Sons of teen mothers are 2.7 times more likely to spend time in jail
• 3 out of 4 people diagnosed with sexually transmitted diseases are younger than 25 years old
• The risk of sexually transmitted diseases include infections of the uterus and fallopian tubes, ectopic pregnancy and sterility.

 Action: Talk to your teen about relationships and sex. Encourage abstinence and use of refusal skills to say no when pressured in relationships. But also, talk to them about when the time is right for them to have sex, the potential risks and how they can protect themselves. This includes educating your teen on pregnancy, how someone can get pregnant/or get someone pregnant, how you can contract sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. Warn your teen that not having sex and condoms are the only things that protect against sexually transmitted diseases and teen pregnancy.

Conversation Starters:

Assure your child that no topic is off limits and you are always available to talk. Use some of these questions for example:

“You can always come to me with any questions or problems.”

“Do you have any new friends at school? What are their names?”

 “What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?”

“When do you think that it would be easiest to raise a baby?”

“What can you do to prevent yourself from having a baby now?”

“I believe that you should wait to have a baby until…what do you think?”

“Does your girlfriend/boyfriend ever hit, threaten or make you do things that you don’t want to do?”

“Do you know where you can go to get help if you need it?”

“Do you have a Facebook or MySpace page? What kind of stuff do you put on it?”

What if I can’t answer their questions?

These recommended websites are resources for parents and other family members to read about sexual health, puberty, relationships, pregnancy, and myths. As always, you can always call and talk with your health care provider to answer any questions that you may have.

• Parent Sex Ed Center (www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents)
• Talking with Kids about Tough Issues (www.talkingwithkids.org)
• Families are Talking (www.familiesaretalking.org)

What if my son/daughter doesn’t want to talk?

These recommended websites are resources for teens to get truthful information about their body and their health.

• Teenwire (www.teenwire.com)
• Birds and Bees (www.birdsandbees.org)