Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships aren’t based on the inequality of 70/30 or 60/40, but instead the equality of 50/50.  A healthy relationship consists of two equal partners that share equal responsibilities.  Some key components of a healthy relationship include being able to spend quality time with each other, also separately with friends or family while also having a sense of trust, respect, comfort and personal safety.  Sometimes relationships can become abusive. This can include physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Abusive relationships typically go through phases. For example, any new relationship begins with a Honeymoon phase. This is where the relationship is romantic and loving. The dating partner acts very sweet, loving and kind. The next phase (for an unhealthy relationship) is called the Tension Building Phase. During this phase, tension builds in the relationship. Arguments, emotional abuse such as name calling and/or physical abuse such as grabbing or pushing may occur. The third stage is called the Blow Up Stage. This is the stage where the abuse is the worst. It can include extreme physical or sexual violence. Following major incidents of abuse, the abuser will revert back to the Honeymoon Stage and attempt to make everything that happened okay. During this time, the abuser will apologize and say things like, “it will never happen again” and buy expensive gifts for the victim to make up for the abuse. Listed below are some traits for healthy and unhealthy relationships. As you browse through each list, take some time to think about what kind of relationship you are in.

Here are some traits of a healthy relationship:

1. Have fun together more often than not
2. Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friend, as well as with each other’s friends.
3. Always feel safe with each other
4. Trust each other
5. Are faithful to each other if you have made this commitment
6. Support each other’s individual goals in like, like getting a job or going to college
7. Respect each other’s opinions, even when they are different
8. Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats
9. Both accept responsibility for your actions
10. Both apologize when you’re wrong
11. Have equal decision making power about what you do in your relationship
12. Each control your own money
13. Are proud to be with each other
14. Encourage each other’s interests- like sports & extracurricular activities
15. Have some privacy- your letters, diary, personal phone calls are respected as your own
16. Have close friends and family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship
17. Never feel like your being pressured for sex
18. Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual
19. Allow each other space when you need it
20. Always treat each other with respect

Here are some traits of an unhealthy relationship:

1. Gets extremely jealous or accuses the other of cheating
2. Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about him/herself
3. Yells at and treats the other like a child
4. Doesn’t take the other person or things that are important to him/her seriously
5. Doesn’t listen when the other talks
6. Frequently criticizes the other’s friends or family
7. Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating
8. Has ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave
9. Cheats or threatens to cheat
10. Tells the other how to dress
11. Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit or physically hurt the other
12. Blames the other for your own behavior
13. Embarrasses or humilities the other
14. Smashes throws or destroys things
15. Tries to keep the other from having a job or furthering his/her education
16. Makes all the decisions about what the two of you do
17. Tries to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games
18. Goes back on promises
19. Acts controlling or possessive like you own your partner
20. Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior
21. Ignores or withholds affection as a way of punishing the other
22. Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs

(Wellness Reproductions & Publishing Inc, 2001)

If you have answered yes to any of the unhealthy relationship traits, you may indeed be in an unhealthy relationship. It’s important to reach out and talk with parents and close friends about the relationship you are in, while also sharing your concerns and feelings with them. Should you need some extra help, please contact DOVE Inc. at 423-3328. They can give you the help, support and guidance that you might need.